Monday, July 16, 2012

Not Visible Today

Struggling with visibility today........

I lost my job three years ago due to a grant not being funded.  Within thirty days, I was unemployed and ineligible for unemployment or any other assistance.  But the position had been a major stress for me and caused health problems to escalate.  I saved alot of money during my last year with the grant.  And my daughter and her family had just moved in with us, including my newborn granddaughter. 

Now, three years later.....the military has moved my daughter and her family to their next duty station which is thousands of miles away.  He is non-deployable, meaning he can't get shipped to Afghanistan for this three year span.  No one is shooting at him.  He is within the safety of the U.S. borders and he is home nearly every evening to be a husband and father.  My daughter is pregnant and happy.

I am much, much healthier.  My home is clean and organized.  I cook every meal from scratch and rarely eat out as I have identified my health problem - gluten intolerance.  My gut is healing. 

My husband is employed.  Our home is nearly paid for.  We pay the bills and squeak through paycheck to paycheck.

My mental health is healing.  I have went through a social bankruptcy (I love that there is a term out there for this!), deleting thousands of people from my contact list of networks...networks that cause me too much imbalance - I give too much and receive too little in return.  Not surprisingly, using this criteria made it clear that I have spent a lifetime building relationships with people who need someone to walk on.  Now the question remains....will I be able to make new relationships without drawing in the same type of problems? 

My savings account is nearly empty and the bills just keep trickling in.  My school loan, which has been in forbearance most of the past twenty years is no longer willing to be forbearn (is that a word?).  It has kicked in and automatically dunks my checking account below zero the first of every month.  My husband's patience is wearing thin, especially as we think about needing airline tickets to see our granddaughter and the new baby on the way. 

I have a chocked-full resume of proven talent in several fields.  I've achieved major success in every endeavor I took on, many of them against incredible odds.  I am also too old to catch the interest of H.R. Directors who wonder why I never chose a career, why I crash and burn over and over. 

I have talent in creating garments from spandex fabrics, a history of entrepreneurship in the field and a home based workshop.  I have a talent in buying vintage dresses that are perfect for resale.  Neither of these talents is bringing net positive income, but rather becoming long term investments at a time I have neither the money nor ambition to weather the insecurity of a business start-up.

Yeah....not very visible today.


Anonymous said...

Kitty--Hm, I have no ideas for you. Like you, I am not very good at maintaining the types of networking I need to do to quickly find work...should I retire next year. Higher ed is changing and becoming more driven by administration than by faculty. I wonder though if you don't qualify to do some adjunct teaching...and I suspect that you would be good at it. The drive might be a drawback though.

I'm worrying because more and more of our family members seem to be leaning on us...and it is definitely confusing the peace of mind I need to make the wisest possible decision about retirement.

Kitty said...

Terri - it just feels good to have a friend who listens! Thank you!

I think the problems you see with education administration are the same barriers that have always kept me from being able to teach.

But, I'll count my blessings that other family members are not leaning on us right now!

Make sure and study up on the high rates of stagnation for 50 year old women in the new economy. I'm not sure why, but it does seem that once we get pushed out there is no going back. Dateline (I think it was them) did a special on it. I might be facing minimum wage secretarial positions to finish up my working life and I know a few other women in this same position.

Boy, that's enough to motivate some energy towards my little workshop projects!