Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Two Incomes to Stay in the Race

I wrote this in 2004 when I lost a job.  I lost my job again at the close of 2010.  Money is getting tighter now and I find myself again at this decision point.

I recently lost my job. What a blow to my ego! Yet a small voice is screaming in my head about wisdom and peace; about reconnecting with my values and being human. Is it so terrible to want my laundry folded and in the proper drawer? Is it so terrible to feel comfort knowing that I am completely available to help with my son’s planned surgery in a few weeks? Could I just rest, feel whole and serve my family’s needs at the same time? Why is this feeling not validated by anyone except my deepest, quietest self?

I feel human again these last few weeks. Every day, I am out in the yard in my old coat and gloves taking care of my dog. She is getting better, slowly, after an accident. I snuggle and breathe in against her warm back. The clean hay smell stirs something that has been asleep a long time. That same something makes me want to sleep close again to the man I’ve been married to for almost 25 years. It makes me dig out recipes of meals and create nutritional, comforting foods and light candles at the dinner table. The trash is out.  The mail is sorted.  The Christmas decorations are all in one place.

I don’t want to race anymore. I don’t even know what the prize is, which should tell me something about my interest in racing to begin with! My digestive system no longer burns every morning.  My hair is perfectly happy to be washed and combed into a ponytail. My daughter calls and we have great conversations. My husband is deer hunting without worrying about my neediness or unhappiness. My dog is healing.  My family is healing.  My guts are healing which makes me happy.

What if my true career path is to just be? How does that fit on the resumes I should be preparing? I feel so clear, yet the feelings are shattered each time I step back into what I have known as the real world for so long; bankers, utility bills and unbalanced co-workers. As long as I stay arms length away, I am myself; creative, caring, loving and working hard on things that really matter.

My office clothes are perfectly arranged in color sequence just in case. I worry that my skills will become dated although its only been weeks since my last job. Can we make it on one income? I think we could, if my ego is able to survive the misunderstandings of the rest of our world about self-worth.

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